Welcome To The Bullpen
Broken Angel
Sylvia Ney
Jake’s stomach grumbled as another cloud of dust covered him. His horse grew tired. They needed to stop soon.
As if in response to his thought, a farmhouse became visible in the distance. Jake Martin signaled the others to head for the homestead. The gang continued their breakneck pace almost until they reached the front porch.
A modest woman stood in the open doorway. She looked young, but something in her eyes spoke of an older maturity. Jake thought she must be close to thirty-years-old. She watched him with one hand to her heart and one blocking the entryway. He could just make out three small shadows in the room behind her.
“I’m sorry if we startled you ma’am.” He said removing his hat. “We’ve had a long hard journey, and I was hoping we could trouble you for something to eat.”
She took a minute to assess him and his men before she answered. “Of course, if you and your men would like to wash up, the pump is on the way to the barn. There’s plenty of hay for the animals, and then you are welcome to relax on the porch while I see what I can prepare.”
“Thank you.” Jake said.
The woman nodded and turned back into the house, leaving the door open behind her.
Jake walked his horse to the pump where he filled a bucket, then offered the animal the first drink. When the stallion had his fill, Jake walked him to the barn. He left the saddle on since they would ride out again before long. He found a bucket of oats to pour out for the horse. The other men followed suit.
Not long after the ten men returned to the front porch, the woman and her children brought out a simple fare of beans, cornbread, and water.
“I’m sorry it’s not more. I’m afraid I don’t have much in the house, but you’re welcome to your fill.”
“We’re much obliged.” Jake said.
Most of the men were too busy devouring their meal to do more than nod or echo a brief thank-you. One man tipped his hat in her direction. Several of them leaned against porch posts while others sat on the steps to enjoy the food.
The woman smiled, and while they ate, Jake studied her. She was beautiful with blond hair pulled back from a face with a light dusting of freckles and full pink lips. Shining emerald eyes reflected kindness, but dark shadows underlined them. She was exhausted.
He found himself wondering about her husband. The children seemed well mannered, but he could tell something bothered the family. The oldest son looked to be about ten. He guessed the daughter to be a few years younger and the baby appeared about two. They wore solemn expressions while performing their chores.
After finishing their meal, the men wandered around the yard visiting, looking around the farm and enjoying some time out of the saddle before they mounted up again. A few of them enjoyed a smoke.
One of Jake’s men showed the oldest child how to lasso while another one performed a magic trick for the girl and baby. The rest of the men slowly gathered around to watch the show.
Jake saw the woman struggling to carry a large trunk toward the barn. Approximately half way from the house, she set it down on the ground, wiped the sweat from her forehead with the back of her arm and took a deep breath before trying again.
Jake rushed to offer help. Without a word, he lifted the burden onto a shoulder and headed in the direction she wished.
“Thank you, sir.”
“Please call me Jake.”
“Jake,” she amended with another smile. “I’m Sarah.”
“Sarah, I appreciate your hospitality.”
“You are most welcome.”
“Is your husband out working?” he asked after setting the trunk in the back of the wagon.
“Papa died.”
Jake turned to see the oldest son had followed them into the barn. He knew he probably shouldn’t ask, but he did anyway.
“How did it happen?”
“The new horse we bought threw papa and he struck his head on a rock. He never woke up. Doc said he probably died right away. That was three months ago.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Thank you.” Sarah said placing her hands on the boy’s shoulders.
Tears gathered in her eyes. To change the subject he again thanked her for her kindness.
“My men really appreciate the meal and respite. How can I repay you?”
“Can you kill someone?” The boy asked straight faced.
“William.” She scolded. The boy merely looked questioningly at Jake.
“Who would you want dead?” Jake asked crouching down to look the boy in the eyes. William had seemed gentle and good natured earlier. He hated to think the boy had a mean streak in him at this young age.
“Our landlord, he’s gonna put us out.”
“Why would he do such a thing?”
“The mortgage is due on our house, and since papa died, we don’t have the money to pay it.”
“I’m sure he understands your situation.” Jake said looking back at the widow.
“Our landlord is not a generous man. He has already said he would be by later today to turn us out. We were just packing a few things when you and your men arrived,” she informed him.
“Where are you going?”
If she thought he was being nosy and rude, she didn’t show it.
“I thought I might be able to find work in El Paso.”
“What kind of work?”
“I could tend house, cook or care for children.”
“Someone else’s house…” William began before his mother hushed him.
“Maybe I could talk to your landlord and get you an extension.” Jake offered.
“Thank you, but I know he is eager for our land and values only profit. He will not change his mind. He knows no charity.” Sarah informed him.
“He doesn’t care what happens to us.” William thundered.
“Dear,” Sarah whispered hugging her son close. “We are very lucky. We have each other. Everything else will work out. You must trust God.”
Jake couldn’t stand it. He would not allow this family to be thrown out of their own home.
“How much money do you need to pay the mortgage?” he asked her.
“Five hundred dollars.” She answered still smiling at her oldest child.
Jake walked to his horse, took out his money bag, counted out the exact amount and presented it to the widow.
Her eyes widened in shock for a moment as she stared at the money. Her attention returned to him when she voiced her protest.
“I can’t take this.”
“I insist you use this money to pay off your mortgage.”
“I would never be able to repay you.” She said shaking her head in denial.
“You can repay me by promising to get a receipt.”
“Why would you do this?”
“Kindness should be repaid. I am paying you back for your generosity today. You can pay me back by taking care of those three wonderful children you have.” Jake smiled, ruffled the boys’ hair and pressed the money into Sarah’s hand..
“Wow.” William said in obvious amazement. “You’re like an angel from God.”
“Some angel,” Jake mumbled looking down at his dirty and torn clothes.
“William, why don’t you take Jake into the house so he can change into some of your father’s old clothes? Make sure you offer some to the other gentlemen as well.”
“Okay, C’mon Jake.” William said leading the way back to the house.
Jake smiled at the widow. Her speculative glance softened and she clutched the handful of money to her heart. Sarah beamed friendliness and gratitude. Lord she’s pretty, he thought before turning to follow the boy.
“What does your landlord look like?” Jake asked William as he changed clothes.
“He’s an old, fat, balding man that always eats and drinks too much. He’s a dandy.” William claimed. “I know it ain’t Christian to talk so and Mama would wear me out if she heard, but it’s true.”
“He’ll be here today?” Jake asked.
“Yes. I’ll have to care for his horses. He always abuses ‘em. He whips ‘em even when they’re running full out. He likes power and control,” William said disgusted.
“Where does he live?”
“A few miles to the north.”
“Will he come alone?”
“Nah, he won’t do anything for himself except complain or take money. He always has at least two others with him in case things get physical.”
“He sounds like a real nice man.” Jake mocked.
William snorted before excusing himself to offer the other men some clothes.
An hour later, Jake joined his gang outside the barn. He started to swing up on his mount, when Sarah’s touch to his arm stopped him. She kissed him lightly on the cheek.
“You will forever be in our prayers.”
Her tender act left him speechless and humbled. He could only nod before he gained his seat. She handed him a full canteen of water.
“Don’t forget to get a receipt,” he told her.
“I won’t forget,” she promised. “Thank you again.”
Jake stared at her for a moment longer. He wouldn’t forget either. She was the kind of woman he could see himself settling down with one day… one day.
He dug in his heels and led the gang out. Some of the men waved farewell. Most of them were smiling as they sped up the north trail. After a few miles, Jake reined in his steed and motioned the others to follow. They ambled just inside the woods.
“What’s up Jake?” his brother asked.
“We’re going to wait here to retrieve my money.”
At their puzzled expressions, Jake explained about giving the widow five hundred dollars.
“We’ll wait here for the man to collect his money. Once she has the receipt, he can never take the land from her. We’ll jump him when he comes back by and get my money. I wanted to help her, but I didn’t rob the First National Bank just to give the money away.”
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REVIEW 1
We did enjoy this story. The 1st paragraph didn't seem to establish that they were galloping hard and the second paragraph uses "continued their breakneck pace"
Where Jake asks "Is your husband out working?" the next - "Papa died" I think should be another space down, is right below the question (single spaced), and does "Papa died" need a tag? such as: A young voice said; or the womens older son promptly answered.
(The space issue with “Papa Died” was correctly submitted, but posted incorrectly and since corrected. R&W).
The education tipster and I enjoyed the story, my criticism is intended only as positive help.
Anthony Stemke
Review 2
Good story - I didn't want it to end.
Loretta Anderson
Review 3
Really good story, Sylvia. I enjoyed it a lot. Looking forward to your next one. How about an entire series using Jake. I liked him! :)
Jess Ferguson
Review 4
Hi Silvia, First of all let me say, you have the basis of a very good story here. With a little editing, it would certainly tighten things up to make it a more enjoyable read.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think your intent was to surprise the reader with the ending you chose. If that is the case, I wouldn’t have used the word, “gang”. To me it was a dead giveaway that they’d done something wrong and were on the run. When the money came into the story, well I knew they’d have to have robbed a bank or something of the sort.
I know it’s only a short story and you can’t go into lengthy descriptions, but I always make it a rule to at least give a description of the main character. We don’t even know Jake’s age! He could have been anywhere from 20 - 60.
His horse grew tired. They needed to stop soon. This was a little confusing at first. Would it not have been better to have said, Their horses were tired and they needed to find a place to rest. We should establish right from the start how many riders are in the group.
In those days it was hard for a woman who worked the land and it certainly would have shown. I would have said something like&
At first glance, she appeared to have seen about thirty summers. But under the hardened exterior of her weathered face, she was probably much younger.
I also feel the dialogue needs to be tightened to make it believable.
Jake obviously liked the woman or he would never have offered her the money. Let the reader know this without any doubt that he fancied her. Little extra touches can also create a better understanding how the characters feel about one another. For instance:
Thank you. Jake said with a glint in his eye.
The woman smiled then quickly turned away, trying to cloak her flushed cheeks.
I hope I wasn’t too hard. If you want any advice, I’ll be more than happy to help.
Best wishes,
Malcolm aka Cody Wells
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