Shorty and Stubb Go to the City

by Dave P. Fisher

Now, Shorty and Stubb were a couple of real top notch buckaroos,
They’d cut their teeth on latigo leather and had long since paid their
dues

Them boys never missed with a catch rope and could ride anything with
hair

Be it outlaw broncs, brahmer bulls, or a dog gone ol’ grizzly bear.
Yeah, them two boys was a pair and both of ‘em barbed wire tough,
And when it come to cowboyin’, well they really knew their stuff.
Those boys were barely housebroke, they was pretty coarse and gritty,
And neither one of them, had ever once, stepped foot inside the city.

Oh, they’d been to town alright, to pick up supplies at the feed and
seed,
And to the couple of stores they had to buy the few things they’d need.
They were well aquatinted with Riley’s bar, and once they spent the
night,
Locked up in Marshall Tucker’s jail for gettin’ themselves in a fight.
So, it wasn’t like they were back-hill hicks who didn’t know the score,
Or that they’d been scared by a fire truck when they were only three
or four.
They just never saw the point in going someplace a hundred miles away,
When town was a perfectly acceptable place to go and blow their pay.

Then one night Three Fingered Mike was tellin’ how he’d been to the
city once,
And how every man ought to go there so’s folks wouldn’t think he’s a
dunce.
“Why, that place goes day and night with saloons and stores that never
close.
How those folks can go on like that and never sleep, the good Lord
only knows.”
He leaned in, “And they’ve got places with dancin’ girls doin’ one
thing or another,
And they sure ain’t the kind of places you’d go and ever admit to your
mother.”
Then he told of seein’ folks drive up to a window, and get handed grub
in a sack,
By yellin’ into a big clown’s mouth, that’s when they knew he’d jumped
his track

Well, Shorty and Stubb decided to go and see what the shoutin’ was
about,
And see for themselves this city up north and forever remove all doubt.
The first thing they noticed was them folks and cars all goin’ in a
flurry,
Just like a bunch of ants runnin’ for cover and everyone was in a hurry.
“Stubb, let’s find some grub, my stomach’s thinkin’ my throat’s been cut,
And I ain’t yellin’ into no clown’s mouth, I think that Mike’s a nut.”
“Hey, there’s a place, it says steaks, and they’ll even let you see
the food,”
“That’s seafood Shorty, fish and such, let’s go on in and don’t be
actin’ crude.”

A right nice fella took ‘em to a table, and they ordered up a couple
of steaks,
Shorty frowned, “I was hopin’ for a pretty waitress, but I guess
that’s just the breaks.”
When the food came, Stubb stuck his knife in the meat, and it come out
oozin’ red,
He jabbed Shorty with his elbow, “Look here, this cow it still ain’t
dead.”
He called the fella, “Say partner, I don’t mean to offend the cook or
anyway upset her,
But, with a little care, why, I’ve seen cows hurt worse than this get
better.
So, if it’s not too much trouble could you put a little more fire
under this cow?”
The fella never said a word; he just scooped up the plate and left
with a little bow.

Gettin’ back into the truck Stubb concluded how that meal was pretty
good,
While Shorty grumbled, “For three days wages, I sure think as heck it
would.”
“Oh, stop your belly achin’ Shorty, you’ve blown more’n that at
Riley’s bar,
Now, let’s head on in further and see some more, this is goin’ good so
far.”
Then Shorty hit the brakes, “Look at that Triple X, on that outfit
called Fantasyland,
I wonder if ol’ Charlie Bent knows them varmints have gone and rustled
his brand?”
“Partner, I don’t think that’s Charlie’s Triple X, look at the sign
nailed on the door,
It’s just a library that don’t allow kids, see it says right there,
it’s an ‘Adult Book Store.’

Well, now it was gettin’ on to dark and all them city lights was
comin’ on,
And the boys figured, from what Mike had said, it’d stay that way ‘til
dawn.
Then Stubb pointed at a bar, “It says ‘cowboys welcome’ let’s go have
a beer,
Maybe them boys in there can set us straight on what a fella can see
around here.”
“I don’t know Stubb, something ain’t square, I’ve got a bad feelin’
about this,
I could have sworn I saw a couple of fellas back there givin’ each
other a kiss.”
“Come on now Shorty, you’re seein’ things, you just caught it wrong in
a glance,”
But, they was headed back out double quick when two boys asked them to
dance.

Shorty growled, “Oh, I’m just havin’ a real good time, partner how
about you?”
Stubb started in to laughin’ “Well, that was fun, so now what do you
wanna do?”
“I want to go back to the ranch, this here big city and me’s all but
done,”
“Look there Shorty, it says ‘Dancin’ Girls’ let’s go in and have some
fun.”
“That’s what you said last time and look at what a whole bunch of fun
we had.”
“Oh come on, it says ‘dancin’ girls’, not dancin’ boys, it can’t be
all that bad.”
Shorty pulled the truck in, “Okay, we drove this far, how much
trouble can it be,
We might as well go in; I don’t want you missin’ a good time just
because of me.”

A big man stopped them at the door, “Members only, this here’s a
private club.”
Shorty looked up at him, “Well, we figure on comin’ on in, me and my
partner Stubb.
“No you’re not,” then he went and did it, and grabbed ahold of
Shorty’s shirt,
Stubb grinned as they drove off, “He’ll come to in that garbage can,
he ain’t all that hurt.”
Now, Shorty’s patience was completely gone, he’d had all this city he
could take,
And if Mike liked it and Stubb wanted more, well they could both go
jump in the lake.
Suddenly he hit the brakes, “That did it!” he spun the truck around
and headed ‘er south,
I’ve seen all I care to, there’s a man back there, a-yellin’ in a big
clown’s mouth.”